I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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