I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
