every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
