he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
