watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
