Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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