you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
