That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I fill condoms, not promises.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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