Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
