Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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