Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
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You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
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I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
He has the fingertips of a God
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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