Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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