why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
