I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
