I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
