I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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