he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
