You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
