I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My underwear smells like fireworks.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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