We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
