I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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