Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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