If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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