How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
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I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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