why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
