Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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