Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
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