You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I've blown a few things in my day
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
