It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
