got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
