There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
