can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
