The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
