Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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