Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
