Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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