So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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