Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
