Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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