i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
