Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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