life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
