You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
