I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
