normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
