I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
this hospital has no fireball
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
