If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just found puke in my bra..
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
