It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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