I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
