the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
