and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
me + whiskey = a bad person
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
