When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
