I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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