we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
