I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
