I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
