She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
