that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
