At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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