I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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