hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
We need to get me chipped asap
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